Love Currency: “We Live in Different Countries, and My Husband Doesn’t Trust Me With Money”

The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

How long have you been with your partner?

Ben and I met in 2017 and got married the following year. We’ve been together for eight years.

How did you meet?

Our parents are family friends. One day, my mum said, “Do you remember Mummy Ben? She’s looking for a wife for her son, and I think you should meet him. He’s a good boy.” 

At 28, it wasn’t the first or fifteenth time my mum had tried to set me up with someone. I always found a way to ignore her matchmaking attempts. But this time, I was just tired. I’d just left a relationship after discovering my “boyfriend” was actually somebody’s husband. I was at the point where I didn’t even want to do love again. 

If I were going to get married, someone would have to literally carry and put me inside the marriage because I didn’t have strength for boyfriend-girlfriend again. So, when my mum brought up Ben’s matter, I was just like, “Oya. Bring him.” 

We met up, and surprisingly, I found him attractive and funny, so we just continued. I don’t think we ever actually said, “We’re dating now.” We just found ourselves in the relationship. 

Do you have any idea why Ben was open to being matchmade?

I later found out that he was planning to leave the country to join his brother, and his family wanted him to marry first so he wouldn’t bring a white girl home. 

We started dating towards the end of 2017 and got married seven months later in 2018. Ben relocated a week after our wedding. I knew we’d have a long-distance marriage from the start, but I thought it’d be for a few months or at least a year until he settled my papers. But it’s 2025, and we still live in different countries. 

Why’s that?

It’s due to a couple of issues, but the summary I can share is that Ben hasn’t been able to sort out his papers, so he can’t legally bring me over. 

Interesting. How do you both navigate a long-distance marriage?

Ben visits once or twice a year and stays for a week or two. Then, we do a lot of texts and video calls. The calls involve careful planning because there’s a six-hour time difference, and finding a time that works for both of us is difficult. But we make sure to do video calls every Sunday and at least two other times during the week so the kids can see him — we have three now. 

I sometimes struggle with this communication arrangement, though. There are times when I just want to gist with my husband or rant about my day, but I have to wait until midnight or the next day to talk to him because he’s at work. Also, my body is not firewood. Sometimes I wish he were close by. But what can I do? I just have to stay patient and pray that things will work out for our good soon.

How about finances? How do you both make it work?

Ben pays the children’s school fees and our house rent. He also sends us foodstuff in bulk through his mum (she’s a major supplier for most food items) every two months. Then sometimes, if I whine him enough, he sends me $50 or $100 to get myself things. But that only comes once in three or four months.

I also try not to bill him too much because of his responsibilities. He still has to pay rent and other bills over there, including travel expenses when he comes around and the fees incurred from trying to sort my papers.

I handle the other bills that come up, like electricity, fuel, children’s clothes, medicine, and any unexpected expenses from my salary. Sometimes I still have to buy food, because my children eat like no tomorrow, and the foodstuff my husband sends barely lasts two months. I also own a tailor shop in front of my house that brings me extra money. As soon as I finish work at school, I resume at my shop. I have an assistant, and she helps with some of the sewing. 

What kind of money conversations do you and your husband have?

Not much. In fact, besides communication, money might be another issue we have. Ben is very guarded about money. Like, he doesn’t trust me with it. I’m not asking him to tell me how much he earns or send me money every day, but at least I should have more access to his finances. 

I’ve complained about how he prefers to send money to his mum to buy us foodstuff. Why not just send me the money? I also know the road to the market. If the issue is that he wants me to patronise his mum, all he needs to do is say so when he sends the money. I tell him that his decision to give his mum money makes me feel that he doesn’t trust me with money, but he thinks I overreact. 

He also argues that he’s already started the habit of sending me foodstuff through his mum, and if he stops now, she might think it’s because of me. I see his point, so I try not to complain too much, but I’m not comfortable with it. 

Hmmm 

It’s quite frustrating. I already know there’s no hope of getting a monthly allowance or something like that. I think the fact that he hasn’t lived in Nigeria for so long might also play a part in this. He believes I should be fine as long as there’s food and the rent is paid. But those other “small” expenses add up and finish your money. I’m almost always broke before my salary enters.

This money issue is a big reason I don’t want another child. I know Ben wants four children, and he’s already hinting at a lastborn, but me, I’ve closed shop. He doesn’t know I’m actively avoiding pregnancy. I’m already struggling to care for the ones I have. I can’t add another one, especially since he might not provide sufficient financial support. He’s trying o, but I can’t handle a fourth child if he continues like this.

Right. How do his annual visits usually go? Do you get to do things together or plan for dates?

He usually packs a lot into his schedule whenever he visits. It’s the only time he also gets to visit family and friends. So, we don’t go out like that, except when we go out with the kids to eateries and recreational centres. 

Curious. Is there a potential timeline for you and the kids to join him abroad?

The plan right now is for me to join him while the kids stay with my in-laws. We can’t afford to move three children at once. I hope we’ll have my papers sorted within the next two years, but it can even be much earlier. There’s nothing God cannot do.

What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

I think it’s pretty clear: For us to afford to move our family to the same country.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

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