Love Currency: “He’s No Longer as Intentional as He Was 8 Years Ago”

The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

How long have you been with your partner?

My boyfriend, Josh, and I have been together for about eight years, since 2017.

We’d known each other since 100 level — we were in the same department — but didn’t get close until our second year. We started hanging out together because of mutual friends. 

Then we started hanging out alone and talking every day. We got along really well, and the move from classmates to partners was almost inevitable.

How were your finances then?

We both mainly depended on our parents for pocket money. Josh got more money from home — he is from a well-to-do family, and his monthly allowance was ₦50k/month. This was 2017 o. 

Besides the pocket money from his parents, he often billed his elder siblings, too. So, there was money, and both of us ate it. Those days, we were always going on dates, visiting eateries and sometimes travelling out of town for short staycations. 

Balling students

See ehn, we were both irresponsible. If only we’d seen into the future and realised what Tinubu’s era would be like, maybe we would have saved every kobo. But we were young and had more money than we knew what to do with, so we spent it as it came. 

Even after we graduated in 2019 and served in different states for the NYSC, Josh spent up to ₦35k on transportation alone to visit me every week. He’d also pay for food and whatever dates we went on. Then there were the random ₦10ks he sent me from time to time. Thinking about it now, he actually spent a lot. He’s sort of calmed down these days.

He doesn’t spend as much anymore?

Yeah. I think it’s that we’ve both grown up, and adulting is forcing us to make better financial decisions. We can’t go on staycations every time or spend money like we used to because there are more expenses, and we’re essentially responsible for each other. 

For instance, we decided to move in together in 2023, mostly for financial reasons. I was almost always at his place anyway, so it didn’t make sense to pay rent when I was hardly at home. My parents don’t know we live together, sha; they’re pretty old-school, so it’s best to keep them believing I live with a female friend. 

What are the dynamics of cohabiting like for you, especially financially?

I used to believe Josh handles the majority of the bills, as he pays the ₦1.2m rent and utility bills, while I handle the food. However, I reviewed our feeding expenses a few months ago and realised I might be contributing more. 

I spend at least ₦85k on foodstuff monthly and still buy other things like cleaning supplies and decor pieces when I go to the market. So, it’s almost like we’re doing 50-50. I complained about this and got him to reluctantly commit to giving me a monthly food allowance. That was three months ago, and he’s only given me ₦60k to support the food expenses once. Even that was after I’d reminded him about it multiple times. 

I’ve told myself I won’t nag about it anymore. I naturally don’t like to feel like I’m begging someone for money. These days, I simply do what I can with food. When I don’t have money, I don’t cook. Sometimes he cooks instead, other times, he orders food. 

Besides the food palava, cohabiting is pretty great. What’s not to like about waking up to your favourite person? I think people judge the idea of living with your partner harshly. We all visit our significant others and spend time together over the weekends. Am I doing something significantly worse by making it a daily arrangement? Everyone should just do what works for them.

Right. What kind of money conversations do you have with your partner?

We talk about everything from shared bills to our incomes and spending habits. We’ve grown together, so we’ve been open about how we make money from the start.  

Josh’s growth is even more glaring. While I still like to spend money and reward myself with little gifts for surviving adulting, he’s now the “save for the rainy day” preacher. I mean, I understand that, but we should live life once in a while. 

One disadvantage of his new approach to spending is that we hardly go on dates except on special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Or maybe it’s because he’s too used to “us”, but I feel he doesn’t put as much effort into “dating” me as he did before. Typically, we now spend most of our time together at home. He’s no longer the Josh who used to plan dates and surprise me with gifts and money. 

Now we’re like an old married couple. And the reason I don’t think it’s only because of money is that his income isn’t poor. ₦800k/month isn’t bad. I know there are expenses and the need to save for a wedding (we plan to marry in 2027), but he’s not broke. It’s the intentionality that has taken a back seat.

Hmm. Does he know you have these concerns?

He does, and he thinks it’s normal for a long-term relationship to have this dynamic. On one hand, I get his point. We’ve been together for so long, and that initial excitement can’t always be there. Still, it’s a bit worrying because we aren’t even married yet. If you’re already tired of doing new things, what will happen when we’re a married couple?

On my end, I’m trying little things to keep the spark alive. I write him love notes and get him gifts. The last gift I got him was an ₦85k bottle of perfume. When I do things like that, he reciprocates by getting me something or sending me money. But I don’t want it to feel like he only remembered to put in the effort because I did. He should just think about me and do it like he used to. Maybe I’m expecting too much and just need to calm down. 

You mentioned saving for a wedding. How’s that going?

It’s mostly Josh saving for it since he’ll handle the bulk of the expenses, but I send small ₦10k there once in a while. He saves ₦100k monthly and any extra bonus he gets from work. We don’t have a working budget yet as it’s still over a year away, but we’re looking at raising at least ₦10m.

How about after the wedding? Have you both discussed how you intend to handle the home’s expenses?

Not exactly. I think we’re working under the assumption that we’ll continue with the arrangement we already have: Josh handling the big bills while I provide support. 

In fact, thank you very much for this question. We need to sit down to clearly outline how expenses will work. I don’t want to fall into the trap of completely handling the food expenses when we get married. 

Do you both have any safety nets besides the wedding fund?

Hmm. I don’t o. But I think Josh does. He saves around ₦50k monthly, but I’m not sure how much that has amounted to.

What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

We really want to japa and we’re hoping it either happens just before we get married or before we have a child. I don’t even want to think about how much we’ll need to facilitate that. We’ll find a way when the time comes.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: We Want to Get Married, but His Unstable Income Is a Problem